Manchmal wächst einem das Leben über den Kopf...

Ich wünschte es gäbe einen Pauseknopf den ich drücken könnte... Nicht etwa um in einem besonders schönen Moment zu verweilen, aber um viele unschöne zu verhindern..

I must have done something right...

I wish I was in the mood to write, but I am just gonna leave it like that:

At the moment I feel like I did something right in my life and now I have all these blessings just pouring in on me and I feel happy..

This is me...

Oh man these pictures make me miss my long hair...

My Mind is Occupied

I am looking for a job. I am still in Germany as most people know by now. Anxiety, depression and stress aren't a good combination when you want to move from Germany to the US all by yourself.

It just didn't work. I couldn't make it happen.

I was a wreck, I might still be one every now and then. So in a couple of weeks I had to change plans. I had to move all my stuff back in with my parents. That is where I am now. I have started applying for jobs in October and have had many job interviews, only to find out that I wanted to continue applying. I really feel that I shouldn't take the first offer, but that I should search for a job that I will enjoy going to. I have had 3 offers but they didn't feel right. I have had 6 interviews so far, maybe more and I have written over 40 applications.
While I am doing that I am working at the International School Wiesbaden as a sub. It is so much fun to work with the kids, it gives me something to do when I am not writing applications and I can save up the money for when I have to move again. Plus I have something on my resume that has to do with my college degree.
I got my bachelor in September in educational science and sciende of religion. My grade is a 1,7 which I am more than happy with. But I am dont with college. There is no energy left to do my master and I am fine with that. I can't wait to find work, a new place to live and start something new.
So if anyone knows about an open position as a "Pädagogin" feel free to contact me! ;) I want to go into the "Jugendhilfe". Next week I have an interview at a shelter for teen moms. I am looking forward to that.
I know some people were wondering where I was and what is going on in my life. I hope this is enough of an update. I just don't feel like writing about my feelings and thoughts at the moment.

The one thing I am actually enjoying at the moment is all the time i have to read books. I have read more books in the last 8 weeks than some people read in a life time! :)
Right now I am reading the 3rd part of Stieg Larrsons books, I have enjoyed Arne Dahl, Jussi Adler-Olsen and many more. I am lookign forward to the cronicles of narnia and lord of the rings!

Lately...

I know there aren't many people who read this, but for some reason it's easier for me to write here than in my journal that I bought many months ago. Up till today it only has two pages filled...

Lately I have been having problems sleeping. I am nervous throughout the day. It starts around 6:30 am and lasts until I fall asleep praying.

Lately I have not been as alert anymore. I went to the park with my dog yesterday without grabbing the key. Now for some people this might be normal, but not for me. Every single time I walk out the door I ask myself 'Do you have your keys?' and every single time before I shut the door I look for them. Since last week I had many times that I didn't ask myself but I was lucky enough and had packed them, but not yesterday... After this happening in the morning I almost repeated it in the afternoon.

Lately I have been too anxious to eat much. I often feel like I am about to walk on stage and perform in front of a huge crowd. That is my worst nightmare and it makes me nervous. Whenever I am nervous I am not hungry and this has been going on for a while now.

Lately I have felt that time is just speeding by and I am not anywhere close to being able to enjoy all the precious moments, days and weeks. I feel like I am sitting in a train, watching life pass by through the window.

Lately I have been longing to have my own family, but I seem so far away from that and it makes me so sad.

I sure hope some of these issues solve themselves. I am done with my bachelor thesis and am going to get it printed tomorrow so I can hand it in on Friday. I hope that takes some of the pressure. One more paper about Jane Elliotts Blue-Eyes Brown-Eyes training and I am done with college. Oh what a happy day that will be.

Life on the slow lane...

..is my goal for the next weeks, months, perhaps years....

I need to take the speed out of my life, I need to relax, trust, enjoy and be aware... Life just seems to be passing me by. I feel like it should still be February or March and here I am and it's Juli. Where did time go? I mean really, where did it go, where did April, Mai, June and most of Juli go? What did I do the last couple of months that only felt like a few days...
I feel like I lost days, actually scratch that, I feel like I lost months and I can't seem to find them anywhere... This needs to end...I need to slow down... I need to take one day at a time and not a week at a time, life is too precious to let it speed by...
It seems like I spent the last months in a car on a highway, when I looked out of the window everything was blurry, I couldn't count my blessings because I just wasn't able to see them anymore, I missed one exit after another because I was speeding...

This is going to end right now. I am going to let Him lead me in His own pace. A pace that will be so much better for myself..

Thousands of lives might lead to nothing......

Jonathan Livingston Seagull (Richard Bach)

"Where is everybody, Sullivan?" he asked silently, quite at
home now withthe easy telepathy that these gulls used
instead of screes and gracks. "Why aren't there more of us
here? Why, where I came from there were.. "

"... thousands and thousands of gulls. I know. "
Sullivan shook his head.

"The only answer I can see, Jonathan, is that you are
pretty well  a one-in-a-million bird. Most of us came along
ever so slowly. We went  fromone world into another that
was almost exactly like it,  forgetting  rightaway where
we had come from, not caring where we were headed,  living
for the moment. Do you have any idea how many lives we must
have gone  through before we even got the first idea that
there is more to life than  eating, or fighting, or power
in the Flock? A thousand lives, Jon,  ten  thousand!
And then another hundred lives until we began to learn
that there is  such a thing as perfection, and another
hundred again to get the idea that  our purpose for living
is to find that perfection and show it forth. The  same rule
holds for us now, of course: we choose our next world through
what we learn in this one. Learn nothing, and the next world
is the same  as  thisone, all the same limitations and lead
weights to overcome."

He stretched his wings and turned to face the wind.
"But  you,  Jon," he said, "learned so much at one time
that youdidn't have to go through a thousand lives to
reach this one."


I love this book. Everyone should read it.
It's like The Little Princea MUST read...

Oh how I wish I was that seagull, that one who lived his
life likeno other... I wish I was like Jonathan, who wasn't
scared to trysomething new,to leave the flock and see the
world, fly loops, find himself despite all the other seagulls
who warned him..

I don't want to live my life in a flock that holds me back.
I want to live in one that encourages me, that wants the best
for me but that is able to let me go and let me experience
things in my time and the place I choose. I am so grateful
for my parents, my family, my flock. I am sooo blessed to
call them mine! They are letting me fly, they are giving me
a kind of freedom that i never felt before. Despite the
sadness this will bring they are letting me be me.. On
this journey of finding myself they are encouraging me
and even if I fail, they will be the first to pick me back
up (along with some friends of mine;)).
I thank God every day for them, I cant believe how lucky I
am to be their daughter...

I hope there are more people out there, who don't let
life slip by them..
Life is precious, we need to enjoy every second of it..
We have to squeeze all the juice out of it and take it in...

Living on a budget!

I am a student and have a tight budget.

This is the first month I am not working, but I tried to save up some money so I won't have to find a job until feb or march. I have 400€ a month to spend at the moment. That's 573$. I spend 429$ on my rent, electricity, telephone and internet.
And I use 114$a month for groceries and Momo.
I have an extra wallet in which I put 28$ a week and I try hard not to go over that money.

I think it really helps to keep the grocery money seperate. This way I am not tempted to spend this money on anything else but groceries.
I try to think of a couple of meals that I want to eat during the week and then I just go shopping once a week, usually on mondays. I used to go more often and without a plan for the week which made me spend way more.
I think planning ahead is important! Oh and NEVER go grocery shopping when you are hungry. That just makes us buy even more!!

I don't go out much. I am not a person who enjoys parties much, which probably has saved me a couple hundret dollars in my life already! I like to have friends over to cook together, watch a movie or just talk, play games, go for walks etc. When I go to the movies I do that on tuesdays! That is movie day over here and it saves quite a bit of money.

I also don't believe in going out to eat more than twice a month (well at least not as long as you don't have as much money). Mostly I dont even eat out once a month bc I love to cook, it's cheaper and I am sure healthier.

I do not have car! Now thats a HUGE money saver right there! I don't need one bc in Germany the bus and train system is amazing. No one really needs a car to get to other places. If I want to visit my parents, I jump into a train and I get there pretty quick. I also think its better for the environment if not everyone owns a car. I do plan on having a car one day, but I want it to run with natural gas. My friend just got that done with her car. She used to spend over 50€ to fill up her car and now only 17€ and its better for the environment. So that could save money too.



Well right now that's all I can think of. I might add on to this post!



Oh I also saved money in making many christmas gifts myself! :)